Atheist? Agnostic? Who Knows!

Part of the reason I abandoned religious blogging back in January- and part of the reason I’ve barely spoken about faith since coming back- was the fact that I was having a bit of an existential crisis concerning Divinity and the existence of Deities.

For those of you who don’t know because you’re not among my inner circle of friends, for the last year I’ve been seriously considering converting back to Christianity. Catholicism, Old Catholicism, or Episcopalian, to be exact; I couldn’t make up my mind. I just knew the Christian faith was calling me home in some way, and I needed to figure out what that meant for me- as well as what it would look like.

While I was still questioning conversion and exploring going back to Christianity in some form, however, I also had a bit of an existential crisis of sorts; shocking from the lady with Type Two Bipolar Disorder, who’s constantly questioning everything about the universe, I know.

This crisis, however, concerned Deities. And it was significant to me because while Deities have never really been central to my life in any form, regardless of my religious or spiritual paths? There’s never actually been a moment in my life before where I didn’t believe there wasn’t at least the potential for something more to exist out there- whether we called them Spirits, or Deities, or whatever else.

But during my discernment period concerning re-conversion, that’s exactly what happened; I went through a heavy period where I questioned if Deities, any Deities at all, really existed; why did I even hold onto the idea of Divinity in the first place? And more importantly: What would it mean for me if they didn’t exist- and did it make religion pointless?

It’s been nearly a year of discernment, now, and I still don’t have an answer to any of those questions today. I still wrestle with it even as I make the final decisions about what my religion will look like going forward; I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer to any of them, either… But Tumblr user HymnsOfHeresy said something pretty profound the other day, and I’ve been thinking on it a lot since then:

Don’t force yourself to believe. Allow yourself to question, and come to terms with being in doubt. Find grace in the ups and downs; faith, to me, isn’t about being believing in a “higher power,” but rather allowing yourself to exist within the Mystery of God.

The universe is infinite, and there are so many things we don’t (and possibly even can’t) know; things we can’t (and possibly won’t ever) prove- either because of technological limitations, or whatever other reason. And that’s something I have to come to terms with; I have to embrace that- and find comfort in it somehow.

It’s a hard lesson for me, however, as the knowledge sponge and “Walking Encyclopedia” that I am (as my Husband likes to joke). Because I’m always searching, always questioning, and never, ever, satisfied with what I have intellectually; there’s discomfort, for me, in what I don’t know. And so I feel as if I always need more- more answers, greater understanding, and so on, or else I’ll die.

But we don’t need to always have all of the answers- and I don’t need to know with clarity and certainty… Not about this, anyways… Not anymore. Because the answers aren’t really what matter here; sometimes it’s ok to just exist in the unknowing (or the unknowable).

To have faith is to believe with all your heart, beyond all reach of proof, in that which you cannot see… It is not a straw to be grasped at, but a state one grows into; it does not come all at once, but in moments- and a living faith will outlast even the darkest storm.

What I do know now, however, is that I have faith (though in what is still unclear). And faith and religion bring a lot of value, and valuable things, to my life- like calm and comfort, structure and routine, ethics and values, a way of life and a purpose in this world, and more… And none of that’s really dependent on the existence of Deities- or whether there’s a life after death, or anything else; I never lost any of that as I struggled with my belief. I still have these things regardless of whether or not I truly believe.

Agnostic participation is a little more widely accepted. But Atheist participation in religion seems like an anathema to most people in the western world; the acceptance of Divine existence seems inextricably linked to religious belief and participation- at least in the White Western Protestant Christian mind (and the minds of those who grew up in it, even if they eventually left)… But it’s not as uncommon as you’d think- especially in certain faiths.

Catholicism and Judaism, in particular, have longstanding subtraditions which embrace (and sometimes even encourage) both Agnostic and Atheistic theology and practice. It’s writings from these groups that I eventually found comfort in while I still struggled with it- and I think it’s safe to say they’ve massively impacted my theology.

I also know that true faith is challenging. And I now genuinely believe religion, too, should be challenging as well, and should demand constant change and improvement (spiritual or otherwise); I can’t get behind the idea that faith, spirituality, and religion are supposed to be this easy, enlightening, fulfilling, passionate, and perfect thing which never challenges you in any way, or is never difficult.

Religion and faith should make you want to change your life, or even the world for the better. It should challenge you to be a better person, and to do better as a person… But that doesn’t mean it should be easy, nor that we shouldn’t have to sacrifice or change things about ourselves- even if what we’re sacrificing may be our belief in the Divine itself.

So am I still religious? Yes… But do I believe in Deities anymore? I’m no longer sure; for now, I’ll settle with Agnostic Polytheism, and leave it at that. Because I don’t know what the answers are- and as time goes on, I find that I don’t really care.