Leaving the Faith

In 2018, after receiving a number of signs from Christian figures, I started discerning re-conversion to the Christian faith- either to Catholicism or Episcopalianism. After nearly a year of discernment, however, I decided to stick with the Paganism I'd already been practicing (at that time, Irish Polytheism); instead of leaving the faith, I began to orienting my practice towards the Transitional Era or Ireland's history, between c. 400 and 1000 AD, based on the revelations of my discernment and signs I'd been receiving up until that point.

As my practice began to click into place, it brought up a lot of questions and concerns about my choices. Chief among them was that, privately, I bemoaned the lack of a non-toxic community within Celtic* Paganism, in particular. This eventually led to me publicly restarting my studies in early 2020, and attempting to re-integrate myself into the community I'd partially isolated myself away from in some manner (and been forcefully isolated away from in others) after a multitude of horrible experiences after I'd first converted to that particular path; this was a small part of a much broader decision to essentially "restart" my life finally, after years of crippling chronic digestive problems that nearly killed me at their start.

But then Covid struck, life got turned upside down, and frankly everything went to hell in a hand basket... Though if I'm being honest, it was less that anything “fell apart”; if anything, a lot of my mistakes and disappointment with how 2020 went can really be boiled down to wanting some semblance of a religious community again- and naively thinking that sticking my head back into a community that was incomprehensibly toxic and hypocritical when I left... Was in any way a good idea.

In attempting to re-involve myself in my religious community, I discovered that exactly nothing about the community had actually changed in the 4 years I'd isolated away from it; almost immediately upon re-integration, the community proved itself to be just as toxic and back-biting, prone to unnecessary and overblown drama, uneducated about basic fundamentals, and desperate to white-knuckle grip their inaccuracies, as it had always been. But after 20 years as a Pagan dealing with these exact issues? If I'm being bluntly honest, the toxicity, two-facedness, and hypocrisy was honestly kind of expected. I guess I'd just hoped they'd improved even minutely by then.

The time I spent fighting last year wasn’t a total disaster, though... It did solidify a lot of the doubts I'd already been having for the year prior. It also revealed to me that there were a few things I couldn't get by without if I wanted to find my place within religion. Most notably that an active and present worship community is the foremost spiritual need of mine that has to be met- and that I can't get away with not meeting it any longer; more clarity is always a blessing, even if it has to be gleamed from a pile of absolute bullshit.

After that revelation, I took some time to myself to think things over- particularly as it pertained to which of the two religions I was basically already practicing in tandem, was actually worthy of my continued time and energy... And after a lot of discernment and prayer, and more than a few blatantly obvious signs... I've come to a necessary conclusion: Being a Reconstructionist just isn't worth it to me anymore.

While individual Reconstructionists might be quite nice, capable, well-rounded, and collected at times? Reconstructionism as a whole just isn’t- and I don't think it will ever be... More importantly, it seems to be completely incapable on every conceivable level of actually providing any of the things I need in order for me to feel spiritually and religiously fulfilled- especially in regards to a present and active worship community. Or, at least, it seems to be in its current state, with what I have access to.

Even without all of the toxicity and drama, Reconstructionism is simply too young and immature in many ways to be capable of coming together in the ways that make something like modern temples possible. It's also far too widespread, with far too comparatively minuscule a headcount, to actually be capable of serving anyone like me, as isolated as I am in North-Central Oklahoma. And with the fact that most self-professed "Recons" are actually just Revivalists masquerading as Recons at best- or are flat out Reimaginists masquerading as Recons at worst? I'd undoubtedly be disappointed in anything they could produce anyways. Especially with the general Pagan penchant towards absolute nonsense as a whole in the first place.

More, as a general movement, at every conceivable turn over the last 20 years I’ve been Pagan, I’ve found Paganism to generally be isolationist and individualistic on an unhealthy level that results in an incredibly disturbing penchant for totally carpet bombing any and all larger attempts at community building. This happens frequently at the slightest of provocation, and only escalates once one steps into Reconstructionist spaces. Worse, Reconstructionists especially frequently go to incredibly toxic and violent lengths to uphold a sort of ideological status quo that centers around an incredibly narrow range of “acceptable” beliefs; it's the bastard child of purity culture at the intersection of cancel culture, and one singular misstep is all it takes.

It's behavior that's toxically hostile to the development of any sort of community on any level- while at the same time it whines that there is not community at all... And that's without even getting into the fact that Paganism as a whole is often far too childish to even understand (let alone accept and agree to participate in) the kind of social contracts that any sort of community actually demands in order to make it possible in the first place.

Ultimately, at it’s best Paganism itself is often nothing better than pseudohistory. Reconstructionism only adds an additional element of performative, self-superior, egotistical nonsense to it. And at its worst, both have consistently proven to be actively toxic and abusive multiple times over- and over, and over, and over, and over- even when it pretends otherwise; despite all their lofty claims to the contrary... All their egotistical sermons about how accepting the Pagan umbrella is? It’s really all just the exact same evangelical and puritanical protestant bullshit that it constantly derides- just slightly to the left, and now with more “woke” language.

Frankly, I can't do it anymore. I'm finally throwing in the towel ... Where I'm going from here, I genuinely have no idea. But what I do know is that I'm over it all; after 20 years of fighting, I fucking quit.

I'll still be leaving this blog up, of course, as it's the only resource available on Christo-Irish Reconstructionism / Transitional Era Reconstructionism; I'm still more than happy to answer questions about it, and help guide people through the process I used to develop my religion. I do also believe the things I've written over the last decade in particular still have value- both to myself, to the Pagan community at large, and to Irish Reconstructionists (should any of the above ever deign to actually pull their heads out of their asses). 

I wish those of you who still have the heart to remain, the best. But as of right now, for myself? Although certain elements of my old syncretic practices will very likely be moving forward with me into whatever new faith I wind up in, I am no longer a Reconstructionist; I do not consider myself an Irish Reconstructionist, Celtic* Reconstructionist, or Christo-Irish / Transitional-Era Gaelic Reconstructionist, nor even a Historically Informed Polytheist, or any other title that I've coined or otherwise used in the last 5 years for this path ... I have zero interest or intent on ever returning to a community that has been nothing more than rejection, strife, and two-faced hypocrisy, over the last 5 years I've been a member- and little interest as of currently of even being Pagan again.